Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
Jokes Page #9
Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes,
caffeine. I can't drink coffee".
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for
me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You
can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours,
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in
you coming in for that."
It's fun to cook for
Marvin. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.
He wanted fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay
on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it..
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason he keeps counting to ten.
I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of
genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has
been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to
come so I can try out a new recipe . If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door..
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
He slams the door and returns to bed.
" Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is
pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two
guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed
God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
For those times when you can't talk but can read or listen to some sexy erotic jerking.
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