JOKES10
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'
Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep',
the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,'
replied the bird.
'Moses?'
the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


No laughing matter
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over  twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control  herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
Clitter Video
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old preacher, pastor Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.                                          
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"


I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said . . . 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a
deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully: 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'  The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'  The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'  The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'  The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'  A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'  The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
So I did.
I won't be at church this week.
HOME
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door..
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!  God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
A woman, and a man, are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever!!
Don't mess with them!!
Email sensuoussam4u@yahoo.com for Gift Cards
Jokes1-Jokes10
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
- 'What would you like to talk about?'
- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, - 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the blonde replies,
- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
Hey Doc
A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!".
Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
..next day...patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!".
Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!".
"Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"

I had a flat tire on 35W yesterday, so I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!!!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men, which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road!
People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before one of the highway patrol cars pulled up behind me.
He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.
He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.
I couldn't believe he didn't know....SO I told him......

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!
   Amazon.com Widgets
*Two Woodpeckers...*

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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JOKES10
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'
Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep',
the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,'
replied the bird.
'Moses?'
the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


No laughing matter
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over  twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control  herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
Clitter Video
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old preacher, pastor Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.                                          
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"


I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said . . . 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a
deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully: 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'  The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'  The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'  The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'  The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'  A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'  The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'
So I did.
I won't be at church this week.
HOME
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door..
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!  God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
A woman, and a man, are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever!!
Don't mess with them!!
Email sensuoussam4u@yahoo.com for Gift Cards
Jokes1-Jokes10
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
- 'What would you like to talk about?'
- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, - 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
To which the blonde replies,
- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
Hey Doc
A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!".
Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
..next day...patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!".
Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!".
"Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"

I had a flat tire on 35W yesterday, so I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.
I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!!!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men, which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road!
People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before one of the highway patrol cars pulled up behind me.
He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.
He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.
I couldn't believe he didn't know....SO I told him......

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!
   Amazon.com Widgets
*Two Woodpeckers...*

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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