To understand a woman you need to get inside her head...not between her legs.
To understand a man you need to....forget it, just give him a blowjob.
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no
circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply
running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least
one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ a cold Bud______a
Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a
Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl
of ice cream ______Chocolate or ______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral
Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends
to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of
them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows
the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
Use email address: email@example.com for Amazon Gift Cards
A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
*Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
A group of men go pheasant hunting and don't even see a single bird. At the motel that night they decide that they need a hunting dog. They find a place that rents hunting dogs in the yellow pages and go there the next morning.
The owner shows them a couple of dogs and says that they are $5 a day. Then he shows them a dog and says that he is $50 a day. They protest and the owner makes them a deal. He says that they can take the dog for the day and when they bring him back they can pay him what they think he was worth.
So they decide to try him. Before leaving they ask for the dogs name and the owner says it is Old Fireman. They end up having the best day of hunting they have ever had in there lives.
The next year they return to the same place and say they want to rent Old Fireman. But the owner says: "Ok, but he will be $5 a day." The men ask what had happened since last year he was $50 a day.
The owner says: "After you rented him last year a group of firemen rented him and got to calling him Chief. Now all he will do is sit on his ass and bark."
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said: "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked: "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said: "No, just up to my breasts. I can splash it on my eyes."
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everyone."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."
Two sisters lived together and the one sister was turning 65 on her birthday. So the other sister decided she would buy her something she could really use, so she bought her a blow up male doll and she put it in her sister's bed.
So in the morning the sister who bought the gift waited excited for her sister to come down stairs and tell her how she liked her gift. So she asked her: "Well, did you like your surprise?" The other sister replied: "Well, yes I did, at least for a while." "What happened?" She said: "Well, I kissed him in the mouth, I kissed him on the cheek then I bit him on the neck and he farted and flew out the window!"
April 23rd...My Birthday...
62 years sexy. Click and buy gifts.
- WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (hello they are plugged into a genius)
- WHY DONT WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they dont have enough time)
- WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop and ask for directions)
- WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt hole and they vapor lock)
- WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THEN DOGS? (so they don't humo womens legs)
- WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
- HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know......it never happened)
- WHY DID GOD OUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Why do cowboys always have brown stuff on their lips? Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Scroll For New Jokes Posted 6/6/14
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!" Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins. The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!" Amazed, he says, "That's cool I work for 3M." All of a sudden, the third father opens the window and jumps out. The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?" One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.." The nurse asks, "Why?" He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practise?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... That these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line, So I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Four brothers left home for college and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost eight years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.
She wrote: " Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home and I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold fifty people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture
just the same."
You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
A Rich Blonde Buys the New Automatic BMW X6 Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night it just won't move at all. She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck. She then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to her, the technician asks: ' Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears ?? '
Full of anger Blonde replies: 'You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! !! I use D for the Day and N for the Night...'
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........
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CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY ...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who
runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who lay on side of hill, not on level.
"Blond woman have black hair, by crackie!"
" Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Subject: Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants......
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter > and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine > back.'
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A GREEN BAY PACKER FOOTBALL GAME.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM ON THE 50 YARD LINE. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH SO THEY WOULD GET UP AND LEAVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH .. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."
"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."